Monthly Archives: December 2004

Year review

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Coming up next.. in the mornin` maybe.. Just have a few ideas to point around here. Man, this has been a hell of a year ! Gone sleepin`, be back `morrow with a fresh mind ( riiight ).

Hell of a ‘tomorrow’ I had.. Well, the year review will be made next year, since now is the 31st of December. Gone spending the night between the years in the arms of someone that cares. :) Crappy New Year and blah blah.. :)

Caught up

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Something I can`t explain is happenin`. Anxiety, twisted mind, loosin` control, this got control over me. Something turned the tables around.
Usher really sings it, really plays it, but this is too much. I get in a cab.. Usher. I turn on the TV.. Usher.. I open my Winamp.. Usher. Weird.. knowin` what it is and doin` nothin` about it. I`m still wonderin`.. why does that memory last.. ? All those flashbacks, the music, the dance, the moves, the touch, the looks, the breath and.. uhm, everything else. :) Somewhere, something went terribly wrong. Human mind is a wonderful temple of light and darkness. Mine`s plain wierd. Wish I could say this is just a state of mind, a happening that will get lost in the mist. ‘We drift deeper into the sound, life goes on, so bring it on’. Should I bring it on ? Bring WHAT on ? :-S Oh, I need to visit a disco more often than I did in the past one year and a half.. uhm.. a little more often than not even once. :) And one more thing, I need to sing. I can`t wait to be all alone in the house to be able to sing my ass out with the music really loud. This rhythm makes me choke, doesn`t let me breathe, it runs through my veins and it burns all my insides.
Special Saturday. Not a wise one, but a special one, that`s worth the patience, the struggle to stay away from physical contact.
Wish I could hear from Teo.. :/

Lost, hurt, tired and lonely

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Ok.. I`ve chilled.. sortta`. The music`s still bangin` in my head. Sleepy. Vewy vewy sleepy. There`s absolutely no way I can get out of the house and it hurts like hell. ‘Where do I go from here ? I gotta beat this city.’ Yea` right, mess with the best, die like the rest. Ok, fine, no one to talk to, so I`ll talk to myself again around here. No one will read this shit anyway, so it`s more than ok. :) ‘:)’ my ass, I haven`t even smiled today. Not a bit. I miss my own smile.. I miss the ‘:))))))))))))))))))’, the ‘aahahahahahaha’ ( or ‘agagagagaga’ in very phunny situations where I`m not able to control myself. ).
Uh.. there`s a phuckin` wild pig in my stomach, crawlin` and yellin` for food. Sick of everything and I need food ? Let`s get serious ( `cause retarded we are, as I can see ). Well.. Dusk – Chillout In Ibiza. ‘Sweeeeeeet inspiraaaaaaaaation’.. :) Now that was a real smile. Damn ! A piano ! I need a piano ! I wanna play the piano part in the song.. ueaaaaaah.. :/ ‘Somewhen’ I`ll have a house and buy myself a huge artistic piano.. and a mixer.. and many DVDs and CDs.. Dream on, baby. :) Hm, I`d better watch a movie. Do I have Christmas movies ? Of course I don`t.. I`ve got Tiesto on 4 CDs.. like that`s gonna help now. :/ I can`t get anything goin`.. dammit.
Ah maaaaan.. whatta sound, whatta music, whatta bass.. ! Did I die and go to heaven ? No, impossible, I saw my dad at the door for one second. :) We`ll sure not go in the same place after death. Either I go to hell and my folks to heaven, either the other way around.. `cause I`m sure both God and the Devil won`t stand us if we`re together. Sad, but true. :)
Lost, hurt, tired and lonely.. indeeeeed. What if I`ll go to bed ? Hm hm hm ? Will anyone mind ? No, I guess I`m a better company when I`m not around.. :)
How can I write so many bullshits all together ? Shit on me ! I sure am special, but in the worst way possible.. :) ( My conscience is killin` me, I can see that.. )
Fine, done talkin` to myself like I was two different persons. Evanescence – Anywhere. Lovely song. :) Phuck Christmas and all that comes with it ! Like Cristi ( hell, my good friend from USA ) said.. ‘We spend our lives lyin` our children about some fat old guy that gives free presents and then, at Christmas, we all stay together with the persons we hate the most : our families.’ .. How true is that, on a scale from 1 to 10 ? 12 !

‘ Lousy Christmas and a crappy New Year ! ‘

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Christmas Eve.. Guess where I`m at ? Home. HOME ! Man I have this gift to phuck up everything.. lyin`. I think I need a ‘shrinc’. I really wanted to go with my classmates tonight.. phuck it, why ? Why me ? :( I`m listenin` to music really loud. Really really loud.. I feel like my head`s gonna explode. Big deal.. no one will mind.. Stupid, idiot head anyway.
Strange impact the bass has on me. I keep feelin` that I`m strong, that everything will be just fine, and that`s not true. They`re meetin` in 10 minutes. Damn.. this is awful. I`ve been ruinnin` so many plans.. for what ? For THIS ?! I hate myself. I don`t worth a piece of shit. Tears in my eyes.. why don`t they fall ? Can`t even see what the hell I`m writin` here.. Ok.. there goes one, I can see with my left eye. :/ I think I never cried this much ever.. not even when I was a baby.
Phuck. Phuck phuck phuck ! Phuck dependin` on someone ! I wanna be free, free like a bird in the sky, like a fish in the sea, like.. whatever, just.. FREE. It all went too wrong. I don`t deserve anyone or anything, I just wish they`d kick me out the house and lemme wander the world. Sometimes I feel it`s better than anything. I phuck up too many people, too many lives, too much disorder around me. I`m a coward, a chicken, that`s what I am.. I never went out there and tell everyone to stay away from me.. I like it when I`m liked and still.. I shouldn`t have drawn everyone around in my abyssal black hole. Sick of everything. Don`t know what to do, who to talk to, it`s like everyone just found the moment to spit out in my face what they disliked about me in the last 7 months, 15 hours, 4 minutes and 3, 4, 5, 6 seconds.
Wish I could make the pain go away. Wish it didn`t hurt this much.. wish I hadn`t ruin everyone`s holidays. Wish I was someone else, wish I was never born. Wish I would die tonight. That would be my perfect Christmas present.

Big night comin`

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Can`t sleep.. I guess I`m nervous about the night that`s comin`. Why ? Because I had to choose between myself and my age. Stupid, I know. :) Age was the one. Even more stupid.
Man, I can`t believe what I`m able to listen in the middle of the winter. A fairy tale atmosphere outside, all covered in white, and here I am, playin` Santana – Smooth (Chris Staropoli Club Remix). Normal people listen to carols this time of the year.. one more proof that I`m waaaay gone.. :))
Ahahahahahahaha.. I`ve been laughin` my brains out today.. I`ve watched the news on TV and there was some kind of special Christmas edition or something. They`ve presented our new president, Basescu, at the Cotroceni Palace, a bunch of children singin` carols to him and some others that came with another Romanian traditional custom, called ‘capra’ ( the goat ). Well.. he can`t get any more abnormal.. : “You`re late. ‘Tzapu`’ ( male-goat ) was here about 8 years ago.” Aaaahahahahahaha.. :))))))))) I`m still laughin`. :))
I`m lookin` at my pink socks. Yea`, pink ! Don`t laugh. Why am I lookin` at `m ? Why in the phuckin` world am I not sleepin` ? I`ll meet my colleagues `morrow.. I mean today.. see them all together for probably.. the last time. Hmpf :/. Don`t know how I got to care for `m this much. Don`t know what to expect. Don`t know what`s gonna come. I only know I can control it. :) I`ve got everything in my hands, it all depends on me now, on what I want.. and I can desire anything, it`ll still be ok.. if I`m smart. :)
The year`s powerfully ending. I`m gonna be 18. Oh no.