‘ Lousy Christmas and a crappy New Year ! ‘
December 24th, 2004 at 6:35pm
Christmas Eve.. Guess where I`m at ? Home. HOME ! Man I have this gift to phuck up everything.. lyin`. I think I need a ’shrinc’. I really wanted to go with my classmates tonight.. phuck it, why ? Why me ? 
I`m listenin` to music really loud. Really really loud.. I feel like my head`s gonna explode. Big deal.. no one will mind.. Stupid, idiot head anyway.
Strange impact the bass has on me. I keep feelin` that I`m strong, that everything will be just fine, and that`s not true. They`re meetin` in 10 minutes. Damn.. this is awful. I`ve been ruinnin` so many plans.. for what ? For THIS ?! I hate myself. I don`t worth a piece of shit. Tears in my eyes.. why don`t they fall ? Can`t even see what the hell I`m writin` here.. Ok.. there goes one, I can see with my left eye. :/ I think I never cried this much ever.. not even when I was a baby.
Phuck. Phuck phuck phuck ! Phuck dependin` on someone ! I wanna be free, free like a bird in the sky, like a fish in the sea, like.. whatever, just.. FREE. It all went too wrong. I don`t deserve anyone or anything, I just wish they`d kick me out the house and lemme wander the world. Sometimes I feel it`s better than anything. I phuck up too many people, too many lives, too much disorder around me. I`m a coward, a chicken, that`s what I am.. I never went out there and tell everyone to stay away from me.. I like it when I`m liked and still.. I shouldn`t have drawn everyone around in my abyssal black hole. Sick of everything. Don`t know what to do, who to talk to, it`s like everyone just found the moment to spit out in my face what they disliked about me in the last 7 months, 15 hours, 4 minutes and 3, 4, 5, 6 seconds.
Wish I could make the pain go away. Wish it didn`t hurt this much.. wish I hadn`t ruin everyone`s holidays. Wish I was someone else, wish I was never born. Wish I would die tonight. That would be my perfect Christmas present.
I`m listenin` to music really loud. Really really loud.. I feel like my head`s gonna explode. Big deal.. no one will mind.. Stupid, idiot head anyway.Strange impact the bass has on me. I keep feelin` that I`m strong, that everything will be just fine, and that`s not true. They`re meetin` in 10 minutes. Damn.. this is awful. I`ve been ruinnin` so many plans.. for what ? For THIS ?! I hate myself. I don`t worth a piece of shit. Tears in my eyes.. why don`t they fall ? Can`t even see what the hell I`m writin` here.. Ok.. there goes one, I can see with my left eye. :/ I think I never cried this much ever.. not even when I was a baby.
Phuck. Phuck phuck phuck ! Phuck dependin` on someone ! I wanna be free, free like a bird in the sky, like a fish in the sea, like.. whatever, just.. FREE. It all went too wrong. I don`t deserve anyone or anything, I just wish they`d kick me out the house and lemme wander the world. Sometimes I feel it`s better than anything. I phuck up too many people, too many lives, too much disorder around me. I`m a coward, a chicken, that`s what I am.. I never went out there and tell everyone to stay away from me.. I like it when I`m liked and still.. I shouldn`t have drawn everyone around in my abyssal black hole. Sick of everything. Don`t know what to do, who to talk to, it`s like everyone just found the moment to spit out in my face what they disliked about me in the last 7 months, 15 hours, 4 minutes and 3, 4, 5, 6 seconds.
Wish I could make the pain go away. Wish it didn`t hurt this much.. wish I hadn`t ruin everyone`s holidays. Wish I was someone else, wish I was never born. Wish I would die tonight. That would be my perfect Christmas present.
Posted in apocalypse please
