Monthly Archives: January 2005

Memories` weekend

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Sounds strange, I know, but I`ve been remembering shits all weekend. An unusual state of melancholia overwhelmed me when I was sittin` in the kitchen, havin` lunch, hearnin` my mom laughin` about something, just like my grandma` used to, my mother`s mom. :) She died four years ago, on Mother`s Day eve, but I still remember her like she just passed away yesterday. My granny was more than my mother in my childhood, she meant everything. Yes, she overprotected me, I was always a lonely kid because of her, but in the weirdest way, I don`t regret for a moment playin` with her instead of playin` with the other children back at the house in Tarnaveni. She was wonderful, and I must admit I loved her very much. No one ever understood me, as a child, better than she did. I admit that when I started to grow up I acted like a jerk.. Still remember the day I said I didn`t want her to stay in the same bed with me anymore.. it hurt her. It was during the winter time, at my apartment, I was 6 or 7. I remember winter. Damn, it was great. She always stayed with us a couple of months during the cold period because she was ill, she couldn`t walk quite ok. And then one time, when she reached my hand before I fell asleep.. I pushed it away.. `cause I didn`t have enough space to get comfy. Sheesh ! :/ And a few minutes before she died, she made some popcorn, and I refused to eat because my friend, Oana, was waitin` outside the house. Foolish memories, I know.. I should light a candle for her, I miss her very much.. she was an enormous help for me, at the beginning of the argue period with my mom.. My other grandma`, Iulia, wasn`t so close to me. She always spent her time preparing things to eat or washing dishes or clothes, or heck knows what else. Granny was spending time with me. I do miss her. Like hell. :/ Wish she`s better where she is now..
Dusk.. perfect sunsets, the night.. the metamorphosed world and a rhythm. I`m now listening to Seraphim – Over You with my eyes closed and here it comes.. the trance state. :) That euphoria within the bass, that passion within the lyrics. Summer. Summer means rhythm, bass and freedom. God, I miss summer. Can`t wait for it to arrive, to feel it in the hot air, in the dust, in the musical beats, in every living creature that comes to life during that season. ‘Always lookin` forward, never coming back’.. hmyea, you can put it that way too. :) I`ll reserve an exclusive post for my passion for the summer and the sea, the two illusions of my own private paradise. :)
Further on, I must say I feel miserable about some things going on in my life lately, but one in particular. Should I start with ‘I used to have a boyfriend’ ? :) What makes a woman love a man, anyway, now that the Prince Charming criteria is kinda old-fashioned ? Intelligence ? Age ? Fortune ? Spirit ? Prestige ? Let`s just admit that men that are perfect lovers and loving husbands that come home early and always smell like expensive perfume is more than unaccountably non-existent. :) The man nowadays tends to come home tired, after more than 8 hours of work, wishing on food and a nap.. after he gets the daily Internet dose. Good and bad parts ? You get less attention. You`d want romanticism, love, care, tenderness, you want to organize an escapade away from the routine.. but then you stop and think if he worths it. ‘Wait a minute, what did I do to deserve this ? Am I not young, original, smart and independent ?’ Instead of finding arguments for which his attention might not be focused on yourself, your mind starts creating defence spider webs. That`s how you get convinced that you`d be a lot better off alone, that you`d do just fine. You`d start feelin` free to flirt with others. Of course, why should you remain next to someone who doesn`t even notice you`re there ? Why should you love HIM ?
A normal guy is not Superman nor Prince Charming. Not even far, even if you`d like him to have all the possible qualities, including steel muscles, the height of the Eiffel Tour, blue eyes, a large variety of clothes, a foreign capacious car and an enormous chateau. Your boyfriend doesn`t have the greatest looks, doesn`t have the key to America`s savings` deposit, but when he brings you a flower, your heart goes boom. He makes mistakes, everyone does, it`s all human. Oh, and he makes unimportant mistakes ( admit it, you get upset because of sweet nothings ! ), but he smiles when you do and he`s sad when you are. Tones of little things that prove he really cares about you, but which you forget in critical moments, when you feel he loves his mouse more than he loves you. :)
Why do you love him ? Because you feel he loves you, because he holds you tight during horror movies, because he goes out to buy you the cake you drool for all day long, because he sees you as the most beautiful woman ever, because Angelina Jolie`s lips or Pamela Anderson`s breasts wouldn`t make him as happy as you make him, because when the day is over and he lays down in the bed, he`s gonna tell YOU ‘I love you’, and the examples could go on.
But what happens when you accidentally find out in an ICQ history chat with his best friend that when he first invited you at his place was because somebody else was out of town for the weekend ? What happens when he invites you to the theatre just because somebody else invited him first ? What happens when after all, he`s always the victim and you`re always the one to blame ? What happens when the day is over and you don`t know where he is ? What happens when he doesn`t even wishes you ‘Good night, stupid’ ? What happens when if he pushes you away, he tells you in the face that you`re out there, cheating on him, enjoying someone else`s company ?
What happens when all the good feelings are gone … ?

Ego-Land

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I wanna do no wrong, I simply wanna move on, going.. even if no one seems to care. I`m here to care about myself. The post will come whenever I get my new monitor. :) I can`t write in front of this one anymore, my thoughts are washed away by the shades of pink it reflects.. :))
Aaaaaand.. I phuckin` have a new monitor !!! It`s a Philips, a brahn new one, and I like it A LOT. I can still see some stripes, but I`m sure it`s all about the settings which I`ll discover `morrow, hopefully.
Changed my XP Theme ( yea`, I can allow now the luxury to change it :) ). It`s not the characteristical blue one that XP has, it`s called Royale Theme, and yes, it`s still blue, but with white lineage.. much more.. aqua. :) It doesn`t pile up your eyeshot as much as the full blue theme does. Everyone should try it. Soon, I`ll change the color of almost everything on my computer, tryin` to get rid of white, particularly. :)
Wheeeeeeeeee, just arrived home. Lovely atmosphere outside, the snow is fabulous. I was out with the four lunatics.. well, three lunatics and the ‘phupha’. Mno, no, no.. only two lunatics.. and ex-lunatic and phupha, of course. Cristi came with a termos full of hot wine, and so we had to drink it on the top of the hill, pelting ourselves with snowballs and laughin` our asses out. No, I didn`t got drunk, even if you can`t tell after the attitude.. :))) The hill was covered in snow and ice, so Cristi tried to ride his plastic mesh down it, which was a BAD IDEA! Still laughin` when I remember. :))))) So, imagine this. Cristi speeding down the hill, me, a little below, tryin` to keep myself standing, as we all know I only have left legs, a yell and after that.. a BOOM. :))))) The moda`phucker collapsed on me, he just reapped me like you reap the wheat, I fell down and hurt my head quite bad. The rest were laughin` their brains off, they couldn`t even breathe, feelin` sorry they didn`t record this. Phunny.. hah. :) I`ll try to post some pictures from this night in the following days.
Recently saw ‘Alexander’ ( the gay ) – now I think we all understand how that appeared. :) Great movie, a lot better than Troy. Oliver Stone did an impressive job.. the movie`s realistic and absolutely gorgeous. Liked it a lot, I truly appreciate the director`s interpretation.
Soooo.. on the other hand, things have two sides. ‘Two sides to every story’.. :) My professional life is going well, I have no problems at school, not with the grades at least. Sanitary is easy, seems like a joke vis a vis Papiu. :)) On the other side, my social life is.. wacked ! Realised I`m livin` in this comunity filled with selfish and possessive people and I`m like ‘Welcome to Ego-Land!’. Everyone fights for himself, no one cares what the other is doin`, or at least not until he/she gets in somebody`s way. I was really surprised about the attitude of The Chief. Ok, don`t actually know him, can`t possibly understand his way of thinkin`, but that shit really didn`t fit in its place. :/ Andrei Morar is cool, on the other hand. :) He`s got brains, but that`s all I can say for now. Tact is everything, I`m movin` like a feline towards its pray. This is only the middle of the third week I`m in that class, I`ll pull some strings and finally manage to win some trust amongst them. :)
Teo`s birthday is approaching, as well as Cosmin`s.. and then the phuckin` Valentine`s is comin`. :/ Depressive about that part of my life. More than depressive.
Sleep time. About time.

Exile

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Don`t even know how to start or how to express this so that I can make myself clear. It`s.. hard. Definitely. Sometimes too hard to describe it in words. Hard to tell the differences between two highschools ? Mno.. Hard to start a new beginnin` ? Not even close. It`s hard to put something behind you, to forget what`s been in the past. It`s not hard, it`s impossible. :) And no, I`m not bein` pesimistic, I`m realistic about it. I`m not living in the past, I`m not sayin` that.. just that.. it wouldn`t bother me if I did. :) What did Papiu mean ? An enormous.. capacious building full of square heads and comunist-ideas teachers. Disappearing personalities along with frowned faces and sad smiles. Low IQ college principals and teachers also. Lack of modern trends. Fear. Insignificance. On the outside, all these made of Papiu the perfect college, the place where the knowledge floats in the air. Bullshits ! They`re tryin` hard to keep the highschool`s prestige, but in the worst way ever. They should teach themselves first some know-how to behave.. :)
The Sanitary Highschool is inside a new building, very glamourous and shiny.. and white ! My eyes are fine when I get out of it, there`s plenty of light there. I was astonished of the way the teacher`s room looked like.. so damn small, just like my room or something. :) It doesn`t even compare to that cold, huge nest of snakes they have back there in Papiu.. Too bad I`m still having sighs about it.. :)
Humans are so stupid ! And I`m only human, unfortunately.. Humans try to find peace in other humans, and that is SO wrong. I mean.. look at me.. I miss Papiu because of my colleagues, because of the atmosphere, because of the pauses` discussions with intelligent people. God, how I miss that.. and it`s only been a week. Sometimes it hurts so bad I have to take deep breaths not to start cryin`. Papiu effect. Hard to get in, hard to survive, even harder to get out, but death is painful. If I`m dead, I wasn`t suppose to feel a thing, it was supposed to be a stage where nothing more is needed. I`m not dead. I`m alive and kickin`. ‘Show must go on’.. :)
Well.. first day in Sanitary.. got in ( didn`t even know where the pupils` entrance was ), and there was the cleaning-woman, shouting at me. Turned around and saw those footprints my shoes were leaving. Nice entrance. :) Who cared ? I didn`t go back, just went to my class, took a deep breath and entered the small classroom. Everybody stopped talking and laughing. They were all lookin` at me. ‘Hi !’ .. I waved a hand, told them everything they needed to know and then.. went to class. They were much more hospitable than I`ve ever expected. Even got myself a deskmate. Her name is Alexandra and she`s more intelligent than the rest of them. Also Crina, Lavi, Deea.. :) Good girls. Oh and uhm, ‘The Boss’.. :) He was quite like Cosmin, in a primal way of lookin` at the things. Nothing compares to the hospitality of Cosmin, that friendly smile and honest handshake.. just when I needed them. I`ll never forget that.
My formmaster is a witch. She`s teaching History. She already thinks bad about me. :) Damn, how can I always succeed that ? :)) She`s that dangerous kind of person that drags words from your depths and then uses them against you. I can`t believe what lies she has told to my mother. Oh well, I`m startin` to get used to this. They love me or they hate me. Good thing that I make a difference. :)
Don`t know what`s gonna happen. Sometimes I feel that the world is crashing, sometimes I feel like I`m invincible. Still have lots of things to learn and spending power to obtain. :) And that ‘You`re hard to forget’ is even more hard to forget for me.. :)) Long sad sigh.
I`ll make it. I`m strong. I have to be. For the sake of others ( :) ) if not for my own.

[ Subject filling contest ? ]

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You are NOT boring. :) Right ! You ain`t. I never wanna hear you sayin` that.
Why ? `Coz I don`t have this thing about elves. :) I like humans better. And you`re human, yes you are, you`re too human sometimes. You`re wanted. You`re needed as well. Where would I be now without you ? :) In some mentally-diseased hospital.. oh yea`, there. So don`t let your devilish imagination pass the ‘it`s only you, you`re obsessed with this, cut it out’. No. It should remain there and go away on the other side. On the ‘she loves you’ side. `Coz she does. She never did for anyone as she does for you. Trust your heart. It doesn`t lie, not now. The mind can trick you here. And even if I`m blonde.. YOU ( of course you, triple S :) ) are the only one that makes my hair color look good. :) YOU, silly, you make my life, there is no life without you. YOU, sissy :))), you spin my world. It`s all about you, Suz`. :)

‘ Ling-Ling, you forgot your bling-bling ! ‘

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I have to say.. that was the most stupid and the funniest line I ever heard in a movie. :)))))) It`s from ‘Hot Chick’ and it really made my day when I first heard it.. quite unexpectable for I didn`t even got excited when the movie started. I said to myself ‘oh, just another stupid teenagers movie’.. aaaand so it was, but that line and the way it was told was astonishing. :))))))) Still laughin` about it.. :))))
Status : N E E D I N G M O N E Y ! ! ! Freakin` hate this shit, can`t sell the fridge I won for Christmas on the beer promotion. The last solution is to post an announce in a local newspaper, so that I can get those money to buy a new monitor, add some memory to my PC and get a new CPU for someone special. :)
Hm, I need to assamble some full discographies.. like Delerium, DJ Tiesto, BT and the list can go on. Also, I truly need some movies that wander the cinemas at the moment. All in all, I don`t dare to think about that.. my writer`s down, my account for blank CDs the same.. :) Young, restless, empty-pocketed. Is there such a word in English ? ‘Pocketed’. Man, this is worse than ‘somewhen’. :)) Pocket-empty ? Hell knows. :)

Today I felt empty. Not ‘pocketed’ this time, just.. empty. The wierdest feeling ever. Just had a few moments in which I couldn`t find myself.. can`t describe it in words. It was like floating around above nothingness, feeling absolutely.. nothing. Didn`t know who I was, where I`m goin` or where I was. Cool, huh ? ‘As long as you don`t know where you`re goin`, you can`t get lost’. I once said that, now I realise that`s such a piece of shit. Anyway, the struggle was won and my soul finally came back where it belonged. Damn, it`s like I can`t live without problems and stress ? Or is it that I do have problems and I just accept them, without any struggle to do something, like I did `till now. Didn`t even got nervous when my parents told me I had to come back until 10 o`clock in the evening. Why ? It didn`t move a fibre inside me.. no blood rushing through my veins, no hard-feelings, no desperate thoughts about me growin` up and be on my own, makin` my own decisions. What the phuck happened ? That`s so.. not me. :/ Now that I think of it, it makes me sad, not nervous like it did `till now. I guess I`m just startin` to be.. a better person ? What am I sayin` ? Bein` ok with others, even if those others are my folks, doesn`t make me a good person. Now I realise.. this really gets me down. What should I do about this ? This has got to change. I wanna get back to.. bad old me.. :) Maybe I`m just tired of fighting.. maybe changing highschools provides a feeling of comfort that.. Dammit, I can`t believe this is me talkin`. Sad. Really sad. :/

P.S. Won`t review last year, the only good thing that happened was meetin` my colleagues.. Well, ex-colleagues. Sad about that too. :/ There`s only one.. something that makes me smile. Or.. that only someone. :)