Words come more easily on real paper… or at least that`s what I thought. Can`t believe I`m actually keepin` this notebook Dexter ( which came by today… ) gave me. Can`t believe I`m in bed, holding a pencil in my hand and actually writing what I feel, what I think… Of course I`ll post this and share it with the rest of the world ( I`m doin` it right now ), but I really must use this method now because RDS, our beloved internet provider which seems to be offering its usual quality services.
Tomorrow I`ll be 18… an adult. I feel like crap. Was this number of years I`m carryin` suppose to make me feel any better… or more important, or anything ?
I have the same phuckin` problems… I mean, yesterday he didn`t even wave his hand to me when I left his place in the cab. I feel like he`s having a contemptuous attitude towards me lately. Don`t know why. Things from the past are being brought to discussion, things I forgot, things I wanna forget and things I never knew.. which he`s telling me now. I`m like wow, reality bites… in my birthday`s eve. And I`ve sworn, before his birthday, that I won`t get mad at him for two weeks before that day, so that he would feel happy, no matter what he said or done. Reality really bites..
Birthdays suck big time. Everyone around you starts treating you nice just because you were born exactly x years ago. Am I the only one that finds that absurd ? Come to think of it.. you happen to find out that you have an unbelievable number of friends and people that wish you good on your birthday, then, after THE DAY is over, you won`t hear from them another year and.. so on, until they completely forget you exist. Why isn`t there a person in this goddamned world to ask you constantly and from the heart ‘How are you ?’, ‘What are you thinking about ?’. I`m so sick of ‘Don`t know’, ‘Don`t care’, ‘Don`t give a shit’, ‘None of my business’. I AM SICK ! I look at life using them too, but even that is rare compared to what I have around me.
I remember Crini`s words from that night I really spoke my mind, two years ago, the only night someone has dared to listen to me… ask… and care : ‘I hope you don`t turn out an unscrupulous fighter’. Guess what I am now ? Well, we`re still the godesses of darkness, lookin` at the world as if it`s a continous source of unexpected events. She`s cold and numb, I`m alive and kickin`… she`s the ice, I`m the fire. We went on our separate roads, but we still rock the spot when we meet.
Presents ? Hm… maybe a yacht this year. Yeap, mom and dad, that`ll do, it`s enough. Gimme a break ! I already told them I don`t want anything. I don`t deserve the money they were going to spend on me… I really don`t, not after all that`s been. I`d forget I`m 18 in exchange of their forgiveness. Mom felt offended when I told her I don`t want anything. I`m useless. And I`ve done nothing but wrong. Presents don`t come along with these. No sir. Parties either. Well, my folks kinda obliged me today to go buy something, so I bought a TEAC DVD writer. Really needed one. Don`t deserve it, but… it`ll arrive next week from Bucharest. My birthday will be just another ordinary day.
By the way (?), can somebody tell me why can`t I find inner peace ? I mean.. I`ve been livin` with this anxiety for years now… the feelin` won`t let me go. I need to get rid of it, it`s annoyin` and it sometimes brings me down.. deep down.
So, I`m 18 and.. I don`t give a fuck.
P.S. Sorry I`m so mad. I just read all of this and now I feel really sorry for some words written. Great, depression time now.
P.P.S. Uhm, that was last night. Now I`m mad again. About-to-scream-mad.