Just jabbering around…

Yeah, this is one of the useless posts in which I`m lettin` everyone know how my life`s going.. So uninteresting, I know, I`m aware.. but I have to, it`s essential to me, even if I`d better start writing those articles for EgoPHobia.. maybe later.. I need to get really pissed off first, because I planned to write as sarcastic and mean as I can. >:)
Soooo.. my so-called relationship is on timeout for a week now.. Hmpf.. _ADI_`s like a leaf in the wind.. Everyone`s opinion counts, he`s so influenced.. and it really scares me to get involved.. What if his parents won`t agree ? ( His father already has something against me.. I sense it.. ) What if the gang of guys will suddenly decide I`m not good enough for him ? That`ll certainly make him wonder. He`s not strong, he can`t fight, he said it.. and I know that too well.. after all, I know him so well :). Too well for this kind of relationship. I`m scared and I admit it. Don`t know what to think and how to judge this.. He wants to continue, he made it clear, now it`s up to me.. but I`m stuck. On one side I want it too, but there are thousands of things that pull me back. First, there`s no love. Not from me, not from him. We decided it`ll be something that.. grows into us.. but.. how do we know it`ll grow ? :)) Silly.. We`re kids, wondering. I can`t believe I`m after an almost 2 years relationship and I have these questions on my mind. I should know ! If not me, then who ? Adi ? Get serious.. I barely taught him how to kiss :))). And if this turns out not to work.. the triangle ( me, Adi, Csabi ) will disappear.. we`re the gang, we`re best friends, we rock together.. should we spoil it ? Dammit, if my hand was on a trigger, the decesion would have been much easier. Can`t just go with the flow.. I`m supposed to be mature and think twice now. And that`s what I`m doing.. thinking.. thinking.. but time`s tickin`.. tickin`.. What`s with the rush, anyway ? I`m freakin` 18.
Pfff.. complete menu : school started. I`m so amazed to observe the teachers are so far from the thought of retrieving the lessons.. they only want grades.. to have the money and a clear position in front of everyone who dares to put some questions. I don`t get it.. it`s all slipping away from my mind.. I`m loooooosing it !
Heh, I get along well with the rockers in my class, the three princes, like I`ve said. The Cage experience has repeated, with 4 beers this time, but.. I didn`t even feel them. Probably because I was sleeping `till 12 o`clock ? :-” .. Wasn`t me.. :))
Started listening to Disturbed and Slipknot. It`s bad, isn`t it ? :P

Monsters Of Transylvania

Oh GOOOOOD !!! Well, I have to sleep now, but I`ll tell you ‘in the morning’.. right. So, meet with my post in about 12 hours.. :)
Hm, so here I am, after eeeehm.. 12 hours and a few days :P.. School really started this time and knocked me off my feet again.. I freakin` hate waking up at 5:30 in the morning. But let me tell you about this festival.. First, here`s what it was all about :

Doesn`t ring any bell, right ? That was a big mistake coming from the main organiser ( Oli from Oli! Management ). He should have called at least one KNOWN band to gather some more people. Awkward.. only 300 people in a hall where 3000 could have done the ‘pogo’ without any kind of trouble. Aaanyway, me and the gang knew it from the very beginnin`, so it didn`t matter, we showed up. Dad even let me take the car for the very first time on my own.. imagine Bandean and Pavel`s reactions to that. :)))))) Thank God Cotoara wasn`t there too ( you`ll find out why in the end.. ). Well, some bands were ok, some weren`t. I didn`t like Gothic.. who despite their name sing some mixture between death and black metal.. no connection to goth whatsoever. Why I didn`t enjoy `em ? Firstly, because black and especially death.. let`s say.. just aren`t my type of metal. But on the other hand, who would like a group whose vocalist ends the concert with : ‘Our album is selling outside. It only costs 7 RON. Please buy it and help us continue !’.. Ahahahaha.. shame on you guys !

Then, I didn`t like Northen Lights from Turkey. Imagine these dark-skinned guys with too much hair-gel, dressed in white shirts.. This picture Atika managed to take is nothing compared to their bass player.. ( the good thing about the guy, though.. was his 6 strings bass guitar.. if he only knew how to use it properly.. :)) ).

All their songs had some Oriental influences.. bleah.. :) Well, they sang Maiden`s Trooper and leeeet`s say I forgive them. :)))

Iron Mask.. another great disaster.. :)))))))) And I freakin` mean it.. but this time, funny disaster. Pavel got a piece of paper with `em.. lovely drawings and art, some songs, lyrics.. First we laughed our asses out about a song called ‘Barabas’.. mwahahahahahaha.. :))))))))))) Chorus : ‘Barabas, Barabas…’ ( and there was something more but I can`t remember and Pavel`s not online to ask him =)) ). Second funny thing in that paper was the band`s presentation.. there was this guy.. ‘lead & backing vocals’.. :)))))))) Like what the hell ?! :))) In the same time ? WOW ! :))))))))) Well, the funniest thing.. when the guys showed up on the stage, surprise : their lead vocalist was actually some old, fat, bald guy who kept jumping with his hands up, unfolding his belly under his too short T-shirt.. Aaaahahahaha, he wasn`t even in that paper, Goddammit !!! How can we not laugh ? And the ‘lead & backing vocals’ guy that actually appeared in that crappy presentation was only grunting.. but very short.. you could imagine he did it just to spite the baldy, if you didn`t know any better. :)))))))) Anyway, their stateliness was horrible, and Pavel, with an urge to pee, distantly said : ‘Well.. I can piss on their music…’, got up and went to the bathroom.. Mwahahaha :))))))

I did like a lot Taine and Fading Circles.. even Tuzmadar from Hungary.. ( well Pavel enjoyed `em even more `coz they sang a few Helloween covers :) ). But I loved Phantom-X and Anvil !! Oh man.. the guitarist from Phantom-X got off the stage and came in the public to perfom a solo.. and I was right in front of him !! His guitar was lovely ( + it had a Porky Pig sticker on :)))) ).. and the people respected him. Well there was one funny guy who put a finger on the superb guitar and then had a childish smile upon his face, but nothing more.

..and with me, right in front of him.. Dammit, Atika, why the hell didn`t you come closer ? :) Phantom-X were so cool, but Anvil… pffffff.. I mean take a good look at this guy`s face :

You met Lips, the vocalist.. aaaahahahaha :))))) He was SO funny.. so cool, so simple, so not a star. And their music was lovely as well.. I mean they`re older than Metallica, dammit.. He sweared everything, he told a little story about one dog of his that came on his girlfriend`s foot ( with his ‘little pink crayon’ =)))))))))))))) ).. She yelled and he laughed.. aahahaha.. SICK !

After the show, I went to get autographes from the vocalist and guitar player from Phantom-X and well.. there was this guy asking for a signature on some ticket.. I think he was drunk or something, but we laughed our asses out.. He had this Beavis & Butt-Head voice & laughing, explaining the guitarist.. ‘Ăăăăă.. that is.. the proces verbal.. a ticket ! From the police.. hăhă.. For drinking.. fuck the police.. hăhăhă’.. Aahahahha :)))))

Afterwards, about a half an hour we talked to the funny looking guy from Anvil. He told me he sells packages with Mexican food.. burritos and stuff.. he delivers them to the kids.. so he`s a regular guy. :) Then he told me something about some dildo.. I said I don`t need it, I like the real thing ( I still can`t believe I said that ! :))) ). And in the end.. ‘Nice meeting you’ .. ‘Nice to be met’. :)))

Well, as I said, good thing Cotoara wasn`t there to laugh about me.. it took me 15 minutes to realise the car was using the handbrake.. Oooooh, THAT`s why it didn`t start and that`s why the tires were smelling so horrible ! Blonde… :))))


‘Constant over stimulation numbs me.’.. Well, it`s been a while since my last depression.. now it`s all coming back to normal. The gloomy atmosphere, the tired eyes, the cold inside, the numbness.. the ‘kiss my ass type of bunny’.. good old Roxa.. love me or hate me :).
So much for believing there actually was some light at the end of the tunnel.. It was only a deceitful firefly that blinded me. The freight train coming my way already happened ( check my birthday posts.. ). After a day that was a bit too busy to get me thinking, when the darkness fell, after a conversation that opened my eyes, it was like waking up from a terrible hangover in which I was only floating in euphoria. It pinched me. Useless to describe the whole part of agony, in which I nearly crashed in the corner of the room, sittin` with the head on my knees, breathing so hard, holding my hands on my ears (like that would stop me from hearing the fast-wandering thoughts).. Heh, details and too much drama.. isn`t it ? After ten minutes of complete desolation, I started to calm down, I moved to the center of the room, sittin` on the carpet, sustaining my head near the bed, and for an hour, frowned, I watched the clock on the wall.. must admit, after a few minutes Seinfeld`s question was poping up : ‘What is this salty discharge coming out of my eye ?’..
There`s no use in finding who`s guilty, I know very well I`m responsible and every other thought beyond this border is in vain. Maybe I should just disappear.
Tool were the ones who inspired me for the title and the song with the same name is still on repeat in my Winamp. Wanted to show you some lyrics, but then I thought it all fits, so why don`t I write them all ?
Something has to change.
Un-deniable dilemma.
Boredom`s not a burden
Anyone should bear.
Constant over stimulation numbs me
But I wouldn`t want you
Any other way.
Just, not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don`t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I`m alive.
Finger deep within the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Relax, turn around and take my hand.
I can help you change
Tired moments into pleasure.
Say the word and we`ll be
Well upon our way.
Blend and balance
Pain and comfort
Deep within you
`Till you will not want me any other way.
But, it`s not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
I said, I don`t want it.
I just need it.
To breathe, to feel, to know I`m alive.
Knuckle deep inside the borderline.
This may hurt a little but it`s something you’ll get used to.
Relax. Slip away.
Something kinda sad about
The way that things have come to be.
Desensitized to everything.
What became of subtlety?
How can it mean anything to me
If I really don`t feel anything at all?
I`ll keep digging `till,
I feel something.
Elbow deep inside the borderline.
Show me that you love me and that we belong together.
Shoulder deep within the borderline.
Relax. Turn around and take my hand.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Why did I wrote it three times ? Must be because of the silly Christmas song I can`t get out of my head, now that I wrote the title. :/ This always happens : I remember a song ( most of the times, a stupid song I don`t even like ) and there it is, trapped in my mind; sometimes I walk around the house and I start to mumble it, if not even sing it. And then I go.. ‘what the f… aaaww, Goddammit !’. Well this is one of the songs I can`t get rid of right now, even if A Perfect Circle and Audioslave are doing their best.. maybe I should pass to Children Of Bodom and Sepultura.. or even Burzum, Dimmu Borgir.. who knows ? :)))

Anyway.. the idea was : it`s snowing. I was long waiting for it and I love it. There`s this tiny sparkle that lightens up whenever it snows for the very first time.. people start to sense the spirit of Christmas, they become better.. or at least I know I do.. I turn soft, even if I can`t quite promise this Christmas I`ll be listening to carols instead of metal or hard rock. :)

These are some pictures _ADI_ took for me.. from his window. I like the way the relationship is going.. but there are several details ( I`m obsessed with details ) that still bother me.. We haven`t told to any of our folks we`re together.. they just know we`re hanging out a lot and we`re best friends.. they got used to the idea `cause it`s been happening for quite a while now.. and I`m talkin` about three fuckin` years. Well, mom`s starting to get suspicious.. is it good or bad ? :) Why don`t we wanna tell ? To let some time pass.. for the spirits to settle.. it`s enough pressure already coming from our friends.. Adi never had a girlfriend before, imagine the pressure on him now.. and on me too.. they go way beyond normality ( in time ) with the questions. And I kinda feel I want all to happen now, as well.. I`m greedy when it comes to love, but I promised to myself I`ll have patience with him, teach him everything I know.. I mean.. he tells me he`s sorry he doesn`t know to hold my hand right or simply.. to hold me right.. Imagine what a virgin he is.. :) The advantage is that, after all these tourments, he`ll have the exact shape I moulded him into.. and he`ll always remember me and be grateful for my patience.. so I guess this reward is enough to keep me going, don`t you think ?

Snow like in fairy tales.. Wish everyone would feel what I feel when it snows.. Hope. Don`t give up, you can make things better.

For all the bloggers

Hey guys.. and I mean all of the people out there who actually read what I`m posting around here every now and then.
This is a post in which I`m letting you all know for the very first time that I`m ok. :) All the bad things that ever happened to me ( and trust me, there are a whole bunch of bad things to be mentioned here ) lead me here, feeling what I feel now, knowing what I know now, being who I am now. And a proof everything turned out to be just fine is that YOU are reading this, maybe not because you care about what`s really going on with me, but I`m sure at least… you`re interested, curious. :)
This new relationship I`m into, the one with my best friend for like.. three years now, shows its benefits from the very beginning. I`ve conquered again, but I`m slowly letting myself conquered. And yes, it seems the goof of all times I`m home today, wasting my time instead of being next to him, but I don`t feel stressed out that incredible unbelievable things will jump from just around the corner. He`s so simple, so sincere… like an opened book ready to be read… and I`ve been reading it for some time now. Now I`m writing it. :)
So, dear bloggers, I`m ok. Can`t say my anxiety and agony is gone, but those who know me sense a little more inner peace in me than usual times. Isn`t that right, Sauce ? :)
Thank you for reading this. Stay tunned `cause there`s a lot I haven`t told you. :)

Cage experience

Hmsooooo… sorry for the time I didn`t post anything, but I started some Romanian blog on yahoo 360… I`ll post it on the links section, if any of you is interested.
Guess what I did on Friday.. No. Mno, not even close. C`mon guys, some of you should guess it. :) Besides getting drunk with two Tuborg Strong beers, I was with Bandean, Cotoara and Pavel ( the three rock princes in my class ) in Cage, a pub which on Friday night has this special rock night.. :) It was awesome.. Can`t even describe it in words. The euphoria the alcohol provided me with only inhibited the pleasure and joy ( or not ? ), wish I was more sober to enjoy it. I couldn`t even feel my tongure right, it was like I went to a dentist and my whole mouth was under anesthesia. Fortunately, it was enough to speak, sing, smoke and drink even more. :)) Funny how wasted I got with only two beers. I was too tired. Loud music, good guitars, lovely rhythm.. no pain, no stress, just me and the guys, holding each other and banging our heads on Metallica, Judas, Maiden, Nightwish, Helloween, Ramms.. God, can`t wait for round two. :)
We`re still on some mini-holiday because of the teachers` protests, this is the second week, and I hope it`ll still last for a couple of days more, this is too fun. No maths, no info, no nothing, just going out, driving and being around _ADI_.. something weird is going on, wish I knew what, but he treats me so different.. Fuck knows what happened in just a few days, but that`s not the _ADI_ I know. :) The relationship between us has always been special, but I feel like things start to go way beyond friendship… and I`m lettin` it happen. Should I stop ? I don`t know. I`m so fuckin` confused about this… what on Earth should I stop ? I`m not the one doing anything…
*Smack* … Don`t ever say that again, Roxa.. you`re the one behind this, you provoke. Aw, go away, conscience. Go away and leave me alone…